As 11am approaches
Knowing they're on their way,
Making your final journey
7th March, today. 

It feels strange not being there,
Having a chance for a final goodbye.
But I know it's what you wanted;
We don't need to say goodbye. 

I miss you. 
I miss your laugh, so distinct. 
I miss the way you called me G, 
In a way that no one else did. 

I miss the plans we made for puddings. 
I miss the reassurance you offered
When I was anxious or didn't feel enough. 
But I know it's not really a need to say goodbye, 
You'll be there on every flight as I vibe. 

You taught me so much. 
You supported us through so much. 
I wish this wasn't the way things are. 
I don't want to say goodbye. 

I went to send a WhatsApp message
to my friend.
But he’s not there.
So I went to send an Instagram post
to my friend. 
But he’s not there.
I tried to see my friend at work.
But they told me he wasn’t there.
So I thought i’d meet my friend for Karaage.
He wasn’t there.

I went to search for something else on insta,
I can’t remember what.
And instead a suggested post pops up, and there’s his face; 
my friend. 
Not just my account, but others too.
Exactly the same time, it feels like
my friend saying
“Hello, you.”

Just like the first tiny lone daffodil of spring;
ironic as the emblem of the place I saw you last.

Just like the brightest star that sits high in the sky;
ironic sitting so close to Polaris according to my eye.

Just like the glowing crescent moon, hanging just below;
ironic how much time you spent observing through your telescope.

And so instead I find new ways of communicating with you
my friend. 

A tiny reassurance, and mostly nice to know
that you’re still out there somewhere
with your little “hello, you”. 

Hello, my friend.

Where does all the love go
When a loved one dies?
As the memories swirl
And tears fall from our eyes

Where does all the love go
Now you’re not here?
How do I manage to keep
The essence of your presence near?

Where does all the love go?
Time is no longer stood still
As I stand upon this hill 
and wonder
What about the messages and chats?
The likes and hearts,
And puddings and ice cream?
Songs and pictures,
Emojis and nods.
The richness of your life
That you shared so generously with us.

Where does it all go?

Who am I
To feel this screaming pain?
My heart torn into pieces
Knowing I'll never see you again. 

Who am I
To hold your hand?
And whisper thank you,
Not wanting this time to end.

Who am I
To lie awake with expectation?
For a midnight phone call, 
Telling me it's happened, the transition. 
From life to death. 
From Earth to the Universe. 
To the land amongst the stars. 

Who am I
To feel this screaming pain?
My heart torn into pieces
Knowing I'll never see you again. 

Who am I
To feel this emptiness?
I'm not your Partner or your Lover,
Nor your Sister or your Mother.

Just your friend.

February 2024

A sense of urgency rises inside,
I know you cannot stay. 
But the day is drawing to a close;
And I want you know
It's okay to go. 
To go with the sun.

Just the night before
The sky was painted with a thousand colours,
As if the Universe wanted you to have 
One last beautiful sunset. 

And yet today
The sky is heavy with a thousand tears
As if the Universe refuses to accept your
One last beautiful breath. 

As I look outside
The sky is blanketed with the darkest, thickest clouds
As if the Universe is having
One more chance to stop you from leaving.

But I know you cannot stay. 
And as much as I don't want you to,
It's okay to go.
Go with the Sun. 

20th February 2024.

4.30pm catches my eye.
The time you transitioned to another world.
Icy blue streaks of the early sunset cross tonight's sky, 
A stark comparison to the thunder grey of Tuesday last.

It feels as if you are here, but you're not.

I catch my breath
At the void of your absence,
Filled with a need to throw open the windows
And let your soul free into the universe;

Almost as if you are here. 
But you're not.

The urge to recall you from the stars above
Fills my chest with a roaring pain;
To scream into the blackness 
At the unfairness of your loss.

I wish you were here.
But you're not.

February 2024.